Two-by-Two, Cayman Style

| 25/04/2013

In the year 2013, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the Cayman Islands, and said: "Behold Noah, once again the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living creature along with a few good humans." God gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for forty days and forty nights." Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah in his yard with his head in his hands, leaning on the unfinished hulk of Ark Two.

"Noah!" God roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Why have you not finished the Ark as I commanded?"

"Forgive me Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed since I built Ark One. To start with, Government said I needed a special building permit, which I cannot get because they say You are not qualified to design arks. For weeks I've been arguing with the Fire Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. I told him it was going to rain for forty days and forty nights and You would be providing the sprinkling in case of fire, but that fell on deaf ears.

"My homeowners association claim that I've violated the subdivision by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard. The Civil Aviation Authority claims that I've exceeding the height limitations under a designated flight path.

"CUC demanded a shed load of money for the costs of moving power lines to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it.

"Getting the wood was another problem, there was a Tree Preservation Order to contend with. And then there was the matter of protection given the Barn Owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and powers-that-be that I needed the wood to save the owls — but no go!

"When I started gathering the animals, I was arrested for violating the Animals Law. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. I was given a fine and suspended sentence.

"As I was trying to heard the animals into the holding area, I made the mistake of including a pair of Blue Iguanas. I ended up in jail, again. This time I was held in jail illegally for a week before being charged. That was months ago and the case still has not proceeded because it keeps getting postponed due to the attorneys continually being absent from court.

"Then the Department of Environment ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until I submitted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood."

Noah continued, now crying:

'"I am still trying to resolve a dispute with the Immigration Department on how many Caymanians I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. And the Labour Board refused my staffing plan again.

"The Immigration Department rejected the Work Permit applications of all the people who want to work for You because they say You don't have a Trade and Business License. And Lord, You being a non-Caymanian, they say You will need to form a corporation and get a Company Control License before you can get the business license.

"The Department of Family Services says I can't use my sons because it would be child labour. And now the Immigration Board says my ad advertising for workers with ark-building experience is too restrictive against Caymanians."

Through bitter tears Noah went on:

"Central Planning Authority issued several planning violation notices as my yard is not zoned for manufacturing. Then they issued a Stop Work Order.

"To make matters worse, the Customs Department — acting under advice from the Director of the Department of Environment — just seized the Ark, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

"All I can get from the Premier is that she says she has been 'praying about it', but I am pretty sure you don't listen to her anymore anyway."

Noah concluded between soft sobs:

"So, forgive me Lord, but it would take me at least 10 years to finish this ark."

Then Noah fell to his face, sobbing uncontrollably.

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky!

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "Lord? You mean you're not going to destroy the world now?"

"No" replied the Almighty. " The Government beat me to it."

Category: Viewpoint

Comments (37)

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  1. The lone haranguer says:

    Very good, but you forgot to mention that the boat Captain was stealing some wood for himself.

  2. Anonymous says:

    In its original form this joke was aimed at British bureaucracy. I guess the UK and Cayman aren’t so different after all…

  3. Anonymous says:

    I am offended that the writer trivialized Environmental Protection, the DOE and Urban Planning Standards by comparing it to some of the obvious money grabbing policies of the UDP's past four years like duties, licensing, fuel and power costs just to name a few that really hurt the little man!  Try trusting the contractor and the fisherman to do the right thing and we would all be without homes after the next hurricane and there wouldn't be a grouper, lobster or conch left in our waters. Government has to make tough decisions and regulate those that aren't smart enough to possess good will or social responsiblity to do the right thing. Bigger problem seems to be that the LA is full of representatives that don't have the brains to understand and really don't care about the 99 % that can't make them rich.

    • Anonymous says:

      What an obnoxious hypocrite you are! You claim to be offended at satire, mere comedy, and yet you go on a deliberate and insulting offence that typifies contractors, fishermen, and MLA's as being malevolent, untrustworthy and greedy.  You are not "offended",  you are offensive!

      You seem to be a bit confused, too. First you defend government and its will to make "tough decisions", then you lambast the LA as being "full of" brainless money gluttons. By your own standards, the Planning and Environmental departments deserve mistrust because these areas of government are ruled bya body of people that you claim "don't have the brains to understand and really don't care about the 99% that can't make them rich".

       

      It's comedy. If you can't laugh and leave it at that, at least don't make yourself look like a fool advertising your "offense" by writing confused ramblings.

  4. Anonymous says:

    If the only way we can get ideas across is through parables that are taught to 2 year olds in sunday school, then government would be in deep $%%** from an inabilty to communicate reality…wait….I spoke to soon.

  5. Slowpoke says:

    He should have built in Somalia. 

    That country is the ultimate "small government", "no regulations" and "free market" environment (a Miller-Shaw paradise). 

    Let's see how  that is working out for them.  OH….

  6. Anonymous says:

    Yes!  As a foreign entrepreneur who visited Cayman briefly a few years ago with a view to setting up somebusinesses, I felt the crush of the bureaucratic requirements and impediments and rather quickly returned to my homeland to establish my businesses.  I live in a country that is considered to be very highly regulated, and rather heavily taxed, but at least we have certainty as to process and outcome, and that simply wasn't available in Cayman.  Sad but true.

    • Anonymous says:

      Rubbish! Most countries I am familiar with have much more red tape one has to deal with. It just seems that people still come to Cayman, anticipating a country with no rules and regulations when it comes to setting up shop and are utterly astounded when they can't do as they please.

      I wish it were true (as the author of the Viewpoint writes) that Immigration Dept turned down work permits. From where I am sitting, I am seeing plenty of cheap labourers who have only work on some days of the week and are roaming the streets on other days to find "a days work". I also still see plenty of Temps that are brought in my those Temp Agencies who always apply for a work permitn on a temporary basis (so the application gets rubber stamped). I also recently came across a woman who was looking for a "days work" cause the Lady who hired her to look after her child, didn't need (and pay her) for that day…..

      So I really truly wish Immigration WOULD reject some permits rather than handing them out without any proof that those permit holders will actually have a full time job and are not all over the Island looking for work……………..

      • Anonymous says:

        The Viewpoint is actually correct in fact. Invariably and without exception, if the business in question is required to have but does not possess a valid Trade and Business license their applications for work permits are refused; likewise for individual non-Caymanian applicants without proper immigration status or proper licenses. Foreign-ownedcorporations require an LLCC license in order to obtain the Trade and Business license.

        • Anonymous says:

          And…? What is wrong with that exactly? It seems entirely reasonable and proper to me.

          • Just Commentin' says:

            Nothing wrong with it at all. Except that the usual required ad inviting "Caymanian participation" in the prospective enterprise usually reads something like this:

            "Investor wishes to establish a portable road-side swanky stand and invites Caymanian participation in the project. Total investment in the project is anticipated to be CI$5,000,000. In absence of local participation the investor will be applying for a Local Company (Control) License."

             

            The lawyers must all use the same template because $5,000,000 seems to be the standard investment required regardless of how small the project is. I guess they do not want "Caymanian Participaton, huh?

    • Anonymous says:

      and pray tell what may happen if a Caymanian entrepreneur came to your country and tried to set up a business? That aside, you were speaking to the wrong people. Establishing a business here takes no more than 6-8 weeks if you talk to people who actually know what they are doing.  

      • Anonymous says:

        By “know what they are doing” he means ” know how to bribe the right people”.

    • Anonymous says:

      You didn't find the right palms to grease.  

  7. Libertarian says:

    One time, government use to be the central enemy preventing huge business entities from thriving in the United States and the United Kingdom. And there were taxes for everything preventing them from developing like they should. One person namely Dart left the United States because of various reason which included being taxed for mere things relating to his personal security. He like others found Cayman to be an attractive place to live for investment and tax-free banking status.  But before Dart received his status in 2003, we had lesser laws and regulations and many others before him came here to receive our blessings of not only the sun and beach sand.

    But somehow during the 1990s and more evident after hurricane Ivan, rumor of our renowned establishments developed a political clout and sway amongst certain of our elite and key politicians, because they donated a great deal to political campaigns and political causes. Don’t ask me the details of such donations, but some people have been talking and it was not just in the UDP ranks. As such, men and women who were supposed to be guardians of our society have sold themselves to the god of money and kickback-promises. Ultimately these renowned names have a say in the manner in which laws and regulations here are crafted on the island. Despite the complaints we get from the majority of the populous, it falls on deaf ears.

    Now it looks like renowned names thrive because laws, high fees, and special concessions / incentives established by the government, have made it easy for them to be successful, whist, on the hand, people like “Noah” are bombarded and prevented from financial growth because tighten regulations and hiked fees. It is like this in the world, in the United States regulations hurt small business more than large corporations. Despite the party that is in power, they are almost always the result of special interest groups, and it is destroying competitive U.S. market. Laws that were crafted for the special few are the biggest threat to any business. The more laws, the more burdensome it becomes to progress, to employ people, to create new jobs, to compete with the big renowned names on the island, to have freer enterprise. It shouldn’t be so hard and expensive for an average Caymanian to start and maintain his or her own business, but it is to the advantage of the favored few. Definitely we all know something is wrong with the system. No MLA for the past 10 years has brought forward any realistic motion that would benefit Caymanians and locals on the same playing field with these renowned names. No… we are told that if we craft laws and benefit the big shots, they will create jobs and look out for us. But wisdom has spoken before that the more you feed a greedy cat, is the more it will want more even its own territory.

    Yes in any large society, some level of government is required to create and enforce rules of behavior, and to prevent the strong from taking advantage of the weak. But if we are going to thrive as a country, we have to work to snatch back as much of that authority from controlled government as much as possible, and learn to truly develop the talent and resources needed to live and do business independently. Right now the world has slavery in its new form, a slavery of capitalism that is being ingeniously controlled and planned. We are living in a time where we haveto either serve those who have the monies and power, or else see economic ills upon us. There is no escape from societal controlling agents but to run in the wilderness and live without money. Victor Frankle, a Jewish survivor of a Nazi concentration once said, “Everything can be taken from a man bit one thing:  the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances – to choose one’s own way.”  In other words, in this economic concentrative system to rob and destroy life, we have the power to decide with our minds how we are going to think, act, and behave.  Let us use the potential and abilities God has given to us wisely to make a better world, and never forget that we are in this together – not for ourselves.

  8. Anonymous says:

    Brilliant!

    • P A Rody says:

      Oh God

      Why is it that, even though you are all powerful and created earth and the stars you have to exterminate all the aminals but two of each species just to kill all the evil humans?

      I mean there have to more effective ways of killing all those wicked humans other than a indiscriminate flood? aren't you ominpotent, well that is what i read in some book?

      and are all those newborns you will kill also wicked in thy presence? you made them, and we all know a bad workman blames his tools, if there is a problem in the things you made maybe it is time to reflect inwards

      just saying

  9. Anonymous says:

    This should be in Rundown! Is funny but so sadly true

    • Anonymous says:

      It might make it into a small high school newspaper.  It not that clever, sophisticated or funny.  Unless it was written by 14 year old.  Then it there might be some talent to be polished up.

      • Just Commentin' says:

        "It not that clever…" ??  "Then it there might be some talent…" ??  Huh? Gee, you seem to be having quite a hard time with that pesky English language, eh? That's ok, Booboo.  I am sure Mommy has told you that if you keep practicing your writing skills, by the time you finish primary school you should be able to compose nice coherent sentences. Who knows? You might even get as good as Moi, even before you turn fourteen!

        • Anonymous says:

          "Practicing"?  Practice is a noun.  Practise is the verb.  Keep practising and realise you are not quite as clever as you think you are.

          • Just Commentin' says:

            Yes I am…even more clever than I could know, so I could not possibly expect you to wrap your head around it. I just kaint spell good yet, according to you anyway. 

            I had time to think (yeah, I do that sometimes) and I just remembered that a book I bought for a course a while back is entitled "Practicing Organization Development: A Guide for Leading Change". Yup, they spelled it "practicing ". It is a classic in its field and was written by some pretty clever peeps. The book has achieved quite high acclaim and I understand the book  is in its 2nd or 3rd revision. I guess you were not among its critics, huh? Had you been, perhaps they would have been forced to change the title.  Hey! Maybe you need to write and let them know that they are not so clever because you think that they kaint spell so good neither. I am sure they will laugh just as I did when I read your poisoned rambling about my spelling.

            Please accept my most lavish and condescending apology for the lapse in spelling. Seeing as how this site has a global audience, I am sure that a good number of some very clever people will inform you that my spelling it "practicing" is perfectly acceptable. FYI: such a mode of spelling got me through many a paper and more than one dissertation – and they were graded by some pretty clever dudes (you know, PhD's and all that). (I am sure many Caymanians here can relate to what I am saying.) Nice try, anyway, Booboo.

            • Anonymous says:

              "Practicing" is American English while "practising" is British English. We are a British territory.

              • Just Commentin' says:

                Uhhh…Earth to…uhh… whoever, in case you did not catch the nuance of tings roun' yah, realize this: we are on the Internet here and this is a global news site and forum that is characterized by a rather refreshingly eclectic ethnic ambience. If you belabour the point and criticize American spelling as being incorrect you are being foolish. 

                Apparently Gowernment is not too with your program either: MRCU website emphasizes that it is important to "Clear up trash and other sources of standing water, including buckets, dog bowls, ornamentals, plant pots and tires (sic)."  I have seen books used in schools here that teach about the primary "colors" and "analyzing" a problem. Actually the latter is proper Oxford University Press spelling. They are recognized as being the is the largest univercity…er…university press in the world and they are houzed…sorry, hosed, nope, the "u" belongs this time…housed, in the Yoo Kay. Bloody hell! This is getting confuszing!

                I don't know about you but, personally, I am so glad when I do not see the word "gaol" or "tyre" or "oesophagus" used I cannot even begin to express it!  One day they will go the way of "musick" and you will really have something to get your knickers in a knot about, huh, Booboo?

                ANYwayyy…Nice try. But I see arguments in defense of the original Spelling Nazi moot are getting lamer each time. I guess I win, huh?

                 

                (But keep practising anyway, ok, Booboo! Someday the fruits of your labors will pay off!

  10. Another Anon says:

    This is brilliant! Thanks for a good read during my morning coffee break.

  11. Anonymous says:

    Excellent.

    The only bit you left out was how Noah was told he needed to travel to a gambling destination and hand over cash to a 'real estate consultant' to get zoning approval.

  12. Anonymous says:

    What do you want anarchy?

    • Libertarian says:

      A minarchy may do us better 🙂

    • Anonymous says:

      Oh please! Why can't you just have a nice chuckle and leave it at that instead of getting your knickers in a knot about satire?  Take a deep breath. Take a good laxative. Close your eyes, force a smile, and repeat after me:  "I will try not to take everything so seriously… I will try not to take everything so seriously… I will try not to take everything so seriously… I will try not to take everything so seriously…" Do this every time your feel your knickers start to bunch up and in maybe a few years you might be able to manage a smile without forcing it.

      Back in the days when as a young entrepreneur I began building my first business here, there were few of the onerous controls roasted in the story. Investors were arriving with money. Condos, offices and commercial spaces were being built here and there. Businesses were being started and existing ones were growing well. Many now successful Caymanians were beginning their trip up the ladder to wealth. Life was good. Red tape and bureaucratic nonsense such as we have today was rare. Government intervention was minimal. Guess what? No anarchy!  Amazing, nah?

      • Anonymous says:

        The problem is that it is really poor quality satire.  I like good satire.  This is not an example.  It is hackneyed and simplisitic.

        • Just Commentin' says:

          Hey, dude! Lighten up a bit, relax your sphincter some. If you are seeking good quality satire (or good writing in general for that matter) I suggest that an internet news commentary forum might not be the most likely place to find it. (Duh!)  Wrong venue, dude.

           

          If I brought at least one smile to someone's otherwise frownful day, then it is worth enduring the flatulent soundings of the supercilious critics roun' yah.

        • Anonymous says:

          Crab in the toilet…

          • Just Commentin' says:

            "Crab in the toilet…"   Too funny!  Yeah, you are so right! Sometimes I can almost feel 'em nipping at my…uh…ahh…umm…well…you know what I mean.

    • Rorschach says:

      Yes!! and we want it NOW!!