The Machinations of Robb’n in the Hood

Gather round and let me tell you a story of Robb’n in the Hood. I know that many of you will be familiar with the story of Robin Hood and his Merry Men, but that is a very different story. The main character in our story is Robb’n of Ya, and the most important thing to know about Robb’n is that Robb’n liked money, and everything that money can buy.

Robb’n was particularly fond of spending other people’s money. But what made him happiest of all was spending other people’s money on first class travel to places far from Ya, the land of his birth.

He did not forget the country of Ya even with all of his travelling and spending, and his spending and travelling. Whenever he stopped in Ya to refill his pockets with other people’s money, he would remind the poor people paying his bills, “I man born Ya” so that they would feel better about handing over all the money they worked so hard for. Robb’n never sent the poor people post cards from the places he spent their money, but every four years he gave just enough of them refrigerators.

The most important thing to remember about Ya, apart from the poor people whose money Robb’n spent, is that it is not at all like the home of Robin Hood. There is no Sherwood Forest in Ya. There used to be a Mahogany Forest, and an Ironwood Forest, and even a Mangrove Forest when Robb’n was a lad. Robb’n had no use for these and at every opportunity Robb’n sold concessionsto allow developers to bulldoze the forest and to put up parking lots and concrete boxes. You see Robb’n had no respect for the forest or the creatures that lived in it. Those creatures just would not ‘pay up’ the way developers would. Some of the little people of Ya wanted to have a Conservation Law, but the developers looked around and saw a few leaves on trees and they told Robb’n that the Conservation Law would be bad for the wallets of Robb’n and his henchmen so Robb’n sent the Conservation Law to Never-Never-Land.

Robb’n’s principal henchmen (and what self-respecting despot does not have henchmen) were known through-out the land as The Sullen Men. Some say that The Sullen Men got their collective name from the facial expressions displayed whenever factual comments about their silly behaviour appeared in the media – which was often. Others say that their demeanours were due to infantile colic which they never grew out of (which might also explain the occasionally rages, the throwing of rattles out of prams, the bursting into broadcast operations, as well as any attacks on tourists). There were a number of notable characters among The Sullen Men including:

Rolly the Numerate – Robb’n’s faithful Man-in-Waiting and Waiting and Waiting

The Lady Footwasher –a fierce Crusader who changed her whole life around in order to enjoy the little soap bars found in a hotel.

Sir N. Klyne’d Todowhatheistold – a sometime student of politrix and whatever it is that they teach above the bank in that building on Edward Street.

Frier Dwayne – named for his decades long passion for eating fried foods while carefully studying the subtleties of Ya’s election laws and Constitution

The Marquis of Roundabouts – the master of tourist confusion systems

U. Jean the Neverheardfrom – so quiet that no one knows if he speaks any language at all

E. Lee. O’youdidnotsaythataboutsomerelativeofmine – aka Mini-Robb’n, and

Mikey the Bearded – Mikey got lost on a journey to do good deeds and sadly fell in with the wrong crowd

Now the High Sherriff of Ya is another character, but not quite one of the Sullen Men. The High Sheriff, you see, was appointed by the Queen of Angle-Land to keep an eye on old Robb’n’s careless spending of the poor people’s money (and other threats to law and order). However, the High Sheriff rarely intervened because Robb’n’s lack of understanding of almost everything, as well as his passion for demonstrating this lack to the world at large, tended to send lots of jobs back to Angle-Land and elsewhere.

There are other characters as well, but I have probably spent too much time telling you about the minor characters, particularly given that the only opinion that mattered to Robb’n, was Robb’n’s. You see, The Sullen Men would not question anything Robb’n said or did, and Robb’n let it be known that he would invent a special tax applicable to anyone who questioned him. As a result most people kept quiet, even when Robb’n went on the most outrageous rants, or could not keep straight what he had said a few minutes before and therefore contradicted himself – which was often.

Robb’n and all his friends lived very well on the money that they were taking from the poor people of Ya. Robb’n even hired assorted servants and built a huge new wall for his castle using money from the poor people. Now the poor people were hurting and hungry and rumblings were coming from more than their stomachs. To shut them up Robb’n devised a plan to make a nice speech at the official meeting place, telling the poor people that he would take 30% less of the poor people’s money for himself, and that The Sullen Men would take 20% less of the poor people’s money.

Robb’n’s deception was veryclever. Robb’n and The Sullen Men had no intention of actually taking less of the poor people’s money. Nevertheless, many of the poor people who heard Robb’n’s speech believed him and started saying what a nice man Robb’n was and how he understood their plight. You might be thinking to yourselves that surely the people would come to see Robb’n’s deception, but Robb’n was not worried.

Robb’n assumed that the memory loss which so frequently affected the poor people would work its magic, and that the poor people would soon forget Robb’n’s promise to take less of their money for himself and his henchmen. What Robb’n did not know was that some of the poor people had come under the influence of folks that Robb’n feared more than Freedom of Information, and even more than economy travel itself, the dreaded “bloggers”. You see, “bloggers” helped the people see and understand the tawdry behaviour of Robb’n and his henchmen. As the poor people returned to their senses under the influence of the “bloggers”, they became angry with Robb’n because they realized that Robb’n had spent all of their money on himself and other foolish things.

Then Robb’n schemed, “If I tell people that I saw Mr. R. Denn of the Eastern Area make a funny face, they will no longer blame me.” But Mr. R. Denn said that Robb’n was talking nonsense and that made Robb’n very angry. Then Robb’n schemed, “If I tell people that ‘the people’ want me to keep all their money then the people will think it is true.” But the people didn’t. So Robb’n schemed again and decided to take some friends on a nice vacation in Bermuda and England and all over Europe for a while so that the story of his behaviour would fall off the front page of CNS and the poor people would surely forget.

Well my fellow poor people, have you forgotten yet? If you haven’t you can be sure that Robb’n, The Sullen Men, and all of Robb’n’s highly paid hangers-on are counting their – I mean OUR – money, and they are also counting on all of us having very short memories. After all, the new summer travel season starts immediately after Robb’n and The Sullen Men pass a new make-believe budget showing that, by borrowing even more money that the poor people don’t have, Robb’n and his friends will be able to continue to live well. Undoubtedly Robb’n and many, many of Robb’n’s friends are also hoping to spend huge amounts of the poor people’s money on other trips to Europe and the World Cup in South Africa, and oh so many other places.

Will the poor people allow this to continue? We shall have to wait and see, and seeing is the key – you see. Monsters who hide under beds and despots who waste the people’s money don’t like the lights being on. If those who care shine bright lights in their hiding places, then the monsters and despots fade away. So, even though we can hardly afford to have any lights on at all these days, we should make sure that we keep shining the brightest lights we have on despots and other monsters until all the waste and greed disappear, and the poor people are all able to live in reasonable happiness ever after.

The end.