The Machinations of Robb’n in the Hood

| 03/06/2010

Gather round and let me tell you a story of Robb’n in the Hood. I know that many of you will be familiar with the story of Robin Hood and his Merry Men, but that is a very different story. The main character in our story is Robb’n of Ya, and the most important thing to know about Robb’n is that Robb’n liked money, and everything that money can buy.

Robb’n was particularly fond of spending other people’s money. But what made him happiest of all was spending other people’s money on first class travel to places far from Ya, the land of his birth.

He did not forget the country of Ya even with all of his travelling and spending, and his spending and travelling. Whenever he stopped in Ya to refill his pockets with other people’s money, he would remind the poor people paying his bills, “I man born Ya” so that they would feel better about handing over all the money they worked so hard for. Robb’n never sent the poor people post cards from the places he spent their money, but every four years he gave just enough of them refrigerators.

The most important thing to remember about Ya, apart from the poor people whose money Robb’n spent, is that it is not at all like the home of Robin Hood. There is no Sherwood Forest in Ya. There used to be a Mahogany Forest, and an Ironwood Forest, and even a Mangrove Forest when Robb’n was a lad. Robb’n had no use for these and at every opportunity Robb’n sold concessionsto allow developers to bulldoze the forest and to put up parking lots and concrete boxes. You see Robb’n had no respect for the forest or the creatures that lived in it. Those creatures just would not ‘pay up’ the way developers would. Some of the little people of Ya wanted to have a Conservation Law, but the developers looked around and saw a few leaves on trees and they told Robb’n that the Conservation Law would be bad for the wallets of Robb’n and his henchmen so Robb’n sent the Conservation Law to Never-Never-Land.

Robb’n’s principal henchmen (and what self-respecting despot does not have henchmen) were known through-out the land as The Sullen Men. Some say that The Sullen Men got their collective name from the facial expressions displayed whenever factual comments about their silly behaviour appeared in the media – which was often. Others say that their demeanours were due to infantile colic which they never grew out of (which might also explain the occasionally rages, the throwing of rattles out of prams, the bursting into broadcast operations, as well as any attacks on tourists). There were a number of notable characters among The Sullen Men including:

Rolly the Numerate – Robb’n’s faithful Man-in-Waiting and Waiting and Waiting

The Lady Footwasher –a fierce Crusader who changed her whole life around in order to enjoy the little soap bars found in a hotel.

Sir N. Klyne’d Todowhatheistold – a sometime student of politrix and whatever it is that they teach above the bank in that building on Edward Street.

Frier Dwayne – named for his decades long passion for eating fried foods while carefully studying the subtleties of Ya’s election laws and Constitution

The Marquis of Roundabouts – the master of tourist confusion systems

U. Jean the Neverheardfrom – so quiet that no one knows if he speaks any language at all

E. Lee. O’youdidnotsaythataboutsomerelativeofmine – aka Mini-Robb’n, and

Mikey the Bearded – Mikey got lost on a journey to do good deeds and sadly fell in with the wrong crowd

Now the High Sherriff of Ya is another character, but not quite one of the Sullen Men. The High Sheriff, you see, was appointed by the Queen of Angle-Land to keep an eye on old Robb’n’s careless spending of the poor people’s money (and other threats to law and order). However, the High Sheriff rarely intervened because Robb’n’s lack of understanding of almost everything, as well as his passion for demonstrating this lack to the world at large, tended to send lots of jobs back to Angle-Land and elsewhere.

There are other characters as well, but I have probably spent too much time telling you about the minor characters, particularly given that the only opinion that mattered to Robb’n, was Robb’n’s. You see, The Sullen Men would not question anything Robb’n said or did, and Robb’n let it be known that he would invent a special tax applicable to anyone who questioned him. As a result most people kept quiet, even when Robb’n went on the most outrageous rants, or could not keep straight what he had said a few minutes before and therefore contradicted himself – which was often.

Robb’n and all his friends lived very well on the money that they were taking from the poor people of Ya. Robb’n even hired assorted servants and built a huge new wall for his castle using money from the poor people. Now the poor people were hurting and hungry and rumblings were coming from more than their stomachs. To shut them up Robb’n devised a plan to make a nice speech at the official meeting place, telling the poor people that he would take 30% less of the poor people’s money for himself, and that The Sullen Men would take 20% less of the poor people’s money.

Robb’n’s deception was veryclever. Robb’n and The Sullen Men had no intention of actually taking less of the poor people’s money. Nevertheless, many of the poor people who heard Robb’n’s speech believed him and started saying what a nice man Robb’n was and how he understood their plight. You might be thinking to yourselves that surely the people would come to see Robb’n’s deception, but Robb’n was not worried.

Robb’n assumed that the memory loss which so frequently affected the poor people would work its magic, and that the poor people would soon forget Robb’n’s promise to take less of their money for himself and his henchmen. What Robb’n did not know was that some of the poor people had come under the influence of folks that Robb’n feared more than Freedom of Information, and even more than economy travel itself, the dreaded “bloggers”. You see, “bloggers” helped the people see and understand the tawdry behaviour of Robb’n and his henchmen. As the poor people returned to their senses under the influence of the “bloggers”, they became angry with Robb’n because they realized that Robb’n had spent all of their money on himself and other foolish things.

Then Robb’n schemed, “If I tell people that I saw Mr. R. Denn of the Eastern Area make a funny face, they will no longer blame me.” But Mr. R. Denn said that Robb’n was talking nonsense and that made Robb’n very angry. Then Robb’n schemed, “If I tell people that ‘the people’ want me to keep all their money then the people will think it is true.” But the people didn’t. So Robb’n schemed again and decided to take some friends on a nice vacation in Bermuda and England and all over Europe for a while so that the story of his behaviour would fall off the front page of CNS and the poor people would surely forget.

Well my fellow poor people, have you forgotten yet? If you haven’t you can be sure that Robb’n, The Sullen Men, and all of Robb’n’s highly paid hangers-on are counting their – I mean OUR – money, and they are also counting on all of us having very short memories. After all, the new summer travel season starts immediately after Robb’n and The Sullen Men pass a new make-believe budget showing that, by borrowing even more money that the poor people don’t have, Robb’n and his friends will be able to continue to live well. Undoubtedly Robb’n and many, many of Robb’n’s friends are also hoping to spend huge amounts of the poor people’s money on other trips to Europe and the World Cup in South Africa, and oh so many other places.

Will the poor people allow this to continue? We shall have to wait and see, and seeing is the key – you see. Monsters who hide under beds and despots who waste the people’s money don’t like the lights being on. If those who care shine bright lights in their hiding places, then the monsters and despots fade away. So, even though we can hardly afford to have any lights on at all these days, we should make sure that we keep shining the brightest lights we have on despots and other monsters until all the waste and greed disappear, and the poor people are all able to live in reasonable happiness ever after.

The end.

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Category: Viewpoint

Comments (20)

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  1. blogamous says:

    To the author,

    Thanks for bringing storytellingalive!  The message is clear people – turn your lights on and shine them in dark places – make those foi requests, open letters to the Premier. Question everything and take nothing for granted!  Let the Premier and the world know that the "poor people" may be poor but we are not stupid or afraid. The strength of our country is only as good as our strenght to keep things in check.

    I am looking forward to seeing the details of the conditions the PRemier will agree to in order to finalise the agreement on borrowing!

     

  2. Anonymous says:

    Dear Sherriff of Rottingham,

    We the Poor People of Ya would greatly appreciate your effort to assist us in converting the great Work of Fiction called the ‘Budget’ into something more realistic. We do understand that Robb’n needs copious amounts of our money for he and his Sullen Men, but we are unable to bear too much more…

    And so, govna, we pray your indulgence on our behalf: bring some sanity to the budget process, and make haste before our ship is sunk.

    And while you’re looking into said fairy tale of the Budget, please ensure the Rottingham Constabulary In Painful Service is given the resources they need to stem the tide of murder and theft from which Robb’n and his Sullen Men appear unable to resolve.

    Yours Sincerely,

    A Citizen of Ya

    PS: I do so look forward to Part Deux of the saga from Aristophanes Duckpond !!!

  3. Anonymous says:

    Aristophanes was a Greek satirist who lived around 400 BC.  He is known as the master of Old Comedy.  I believe that our Cayman ‘Aristophanes’ be know as the Master of Real-Politic.  Clearly, principles underlying democracy are quite remote in its application in Cayman. I agree with Aristophanes that we need the bloggers providing more reminders of what our politicians OUGHT to be doing.  Go Aristphoanes and go bloggers…lets use our viral power to build a more transparent, moral and democratic Cayman.

     

     

     
  4. Anonymous says:

    Great strory!!! Hope Robb’n and his henchmen have read this!

  5. McDinejhad says:

    "You shut Up!"

    "Tryso go back where you come from"

    Seriously, that was the best fable ever told/posted on VP…i mean brilliant! Please keep em coming.

    Mad respectz

    • da-wa-u-get says:

      Dear McDinejhad,

      which part was fable?

      sadly it is all true and I fear the lamp shining the brightest light may run out of oil before all greed and abuse has been eliminated and then, once again the poor people of the sunset region will forget and choose to have Robb’n in the Hood and his Merry Men to lead them out of the woods not realizing that they are leading them around in circles.

  6. Anonymous says:

    I’ve taken to reading this as a bedtime story now. I keep reading it over every night. Great political satire too…you should really engage in a weekly column.

  7. EZBreeZee says:

    Ducky, I love you and I wanna marry your brain! LOL

    • Transplanted soil with deep roots says:

      That’s so funny! I thought the same thing when I read it – – – except I’m already married! But maybe in this day and age of  legal intrepretation marrying someone’s brain doesn’t actually constitute a legally binding union!

      But in response to the Viewpoint – I am thoroughly enjoying the musings of Aristophanes Duckpond and think that CNS should commission a weekly column from him (assuming ‘he’ is a ‘he’!) about the goings on – – – there is certainly enough fodder to make for this intelligent rambling!

      Keep writing Mr Duckpond – – – and I will keep reading!

  8. Anonymous says:

    This is a very funny story. Send us some more!

  9. Rorschach says:

    ROTFLMAO!!!  

  10. Anonymous says:

    This should honestly get a place on the Gimmistory schedule. Instant cultural piece.

    Keep um coming!

  11. Anonymous says:

    CNS – excellent coverage of news and current events in Cayman and now brilliant political satire. You just keep getting better and better.

    CNS: We can’t take credit for the Viewpoints (except the ones we write ourselves) other than to provide the platform.

  12. Anonymous Caymanian says:

    Genius!!! Brilliant!!! Love it!!!  

  13. Anonymous says:

    Hilarious and right on point. More please.

    • Anonymous says:

      I thought XXX (i’ll do the work for you!!) was writing about the chuckster until i got to the point about the refridgerators and i realized that was not the young fellow’s style.  However, the desire to dress up like a dandy, taking his own entourages on trips, going to spas, first class extravagant travel and limosines were all desires of the little big man formerly floating around on Duckpond.

      And yes the Conservation Bill sat on his desk for 4 years too.

      But it was an entertaining peice if a little long. XXXXX

      Sounds like the Poor Peoples Mistake is trying to stir up people that they alienated. A very dangerous strategy, dont you think? I had thought better of the Great Swan.

       

       

      • Anonymous says:

        Great Swan ???? Go back to Days of our Lives – you are definitely not following the plot here.

        • Anonymous says:

          Actually, i was home watching the Young and the Restless.  But good news i just got a call from MacRobinHood.   

          Next week i start work.

          • Anonymous says:

            Excellent. The next 2 quips in the line might be something like;

            Did they give you that new "anti-satire" position that pays $156,000 a year and offers 27 trips to the luxury destination of the Premier’s choice? and,

            Do they actually expect you to work, or can you be like everyone else in the entourage and get away with just answering "That is an excellent idea" in response to whatever MacRobinHood says?

             

      • Anonymous says:

        Guess this guy didn’t understand the humour here, mind you there were some big words in there. The only people not finding this funny are the greedy and the stupid. XXXXX